Friday, July 31, 2009
Trouble Sleeping.
Dear Diary,*** Please ignore this post, I'm thinking aloud.
By penning my thoughts down, is my source of de-stress... please bear with me... =X ***
I'm suppose to be sleeping but I can't.
Whenever Mr Z is not around, the room feel so quiet and lonely.
I feel scared. Scared of my own house.
So, with my mind engine still running, my heart pumping extra blood to all parts of my body, I CAN'T SLEEP. I can only hear my heart beating faster than usual...
Then, I realize...I fear darkness
.
At
overseas, I sleep with the lights on. The only time I will sleep with the lights off is when Mr Z is around. This shows how much I depend on him.
Sob...
I've been reflecting about myself.
People tends to grow stronger each day but for me I grow to be weaker. I am the total opposite of who I used to be when I was in my school days. Although in my blog, I may seems optimistic and will quote lines which I feel is meaningful but I never practice what I say.
At this age of 21, I have so many commitments. Sometimes I wondered, there are 4 sisters in my family, why am I the only one worrying?
I tried to not care ANYTHING at all for a while, but I can't. I NEED to care cos' its just in me!
Over the years, I grow to be or more of...
less confident,
quiet,
pessimistic,
worry-freak,
thinker,
dreamer,
introvert,
stubborn,
cry-baby,
emotional,
impatience,
no character,
indecisive,
follower,
lazy,
slacker,
loner,
silent thinker - my own definition is I think a lot about everything but I kept quiet,
weak,
silent sufferer - whenever my superior scold me, even if I am not wrong, I will just swallow and apologize and I will go back and complaint!
always think of the dark side instead of the bright... ...
and so much more...
... ...
I think with the above-mentioned, you guys should be freaked out!
Am I in the state of going crazy or what?
I think I am.
Becoming more withdrawn and tame down.
This is the power of mind.
My mind. I cannot live in this harsh world. I cannot take stress and my mind is so powerful and controlling that I just feel like shutting down and running away to a village to heal.
Now you see how much Mr Z is suffering... seeing his beloved girl suffer silently yet he can't do anything... He used to be my listener but I think he is too used to this present me. Instead of the sunshine smiley girl whom he used to know, he only find out over the years, deep down, I am so far away from that.
They say girls at this age are at their pivot point, at the age of changing and soul searching. Maybe someday, I will be a better person with a richer inner self. But then again, I feel frustrated and eventually become
very grungy when I start to
emo . I don't know who I am, what I want and who I want to be!
Life is a process. Enjoy the process and the fruit of labor at the end of the day. My eagerness of not wanting to waste a single day is getting myself no where... To set a target for me, i.e. by end of the year I have to decide my own path, five more months, I am going no where.
I need a lot of guidance and grooming... When I was young, I always picture myself working for someone successful and learn from my
shi-fu... to be a follower and a leader eventually...
I don't see my dream coming true in my current job status.
(But I must say, I do enjoy
holidaying though.)
Hopefully, in time to come I will grow... grow though hardship and yearning...
I can sense it coming...
The battle I have to go through is my mind.
I NEED to overcome my fear and be strong again.
I NEED to build up my confidence level and BELIEVE.
I NEED TO CONTROL MY MIND.
On the verge of changing, I got the urge to cut my hair =X
That's what I do whenever I feel different or want to be different from my old self...
ARGH! I think my mense is coming... forgive my PMS...
Stay away from this emo girl... =x
Thanks love.
With love,
Jassy.
4:28:00 AM